MEN WANT A “SPECIAL” SOMEBODY TOO

I know that this blog largely revolves around women, dating, and of course Kate and her foray into the dating world; however, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge all my great single guy friends also in search of that thing called love.   My friend Nemo (note to reader this is a pseudonym as he asked me not to use his real name) is a great guy, who unfortunately has not been that lucky with love in the last year.   He had the unfortunate experience of finding out that his fiancée was cheating on him with his best friend.   Needless to say the relationship ended and he has been reluctantly thrust back into the dating scene. To his credit, he approaches dating with enthusiasm and gusto. I am incredibly impressed with his no nonsense approach to landing the first date. He has become an expert at going on first dates with women.  However, in his effort to find a connection with the right woman, Nemo has a tendency to go on too many first dates and spreads himself too thin in the process. He is looking for what we are all looking for (or at least what most of us are looking for in our late 20s and early 30s) someone to share your life with. He has admitted that he actually thinks about if he could see himself with a woman he dates for the long-haul. I think its rather refreshing and endearing that not all guys just date to just “get laid.” Afterall, there is no shortage of online dating websites and apps for that purpose.

Nemo (surprise, surprise) is bored of the first date. For the most part, every first date is the same. It’s like that movie “Groundhogs Day,” but it may be a far worse experience (after a while) than being stuck in dreary old Punxsutawney, PA for eternity. Most first dates with complete strangers result in often forced conversations about yourself and the other person’s background. (Of course, one would hope that the conversations would flow and that one would have that special “ehem” thing called Chemistry with that person, but that usually is not the case).  Nemo has become so bored by the first dates (he has been on many) that he has started to “change things up” by discussing other non-introductory manners with the object of his affection of that particular evening. Unfortunately, this approach has not really created the “intimacy” one craves when connecting with a person. It is, of course, still a first date.

It has come to the point that dating is like a job interview, but instead of trying to sell yourself as an asset to the employer, you are trying to sell yourself as “the one.” It is exhausting! Anyone who has ever gone on several job interviews knows the mental stamina required to interview and be rejected repeatedly. Dating can be just as taxing, but at least its couth to have a cocktail. My wish for Nemo is that he takes his time to get to know the girl on these first dates so that he will want a second and a third. Nemo is a total catch. He is handsome and tall. He is educated and a musician. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He just needs to slow down a bit and perhaps pick a few women to go on more than one date with instead of first date, after first date, with several women. I am a strong believer that you can’t really tell about someone until date three. I mean as much as we would like to hit the first date out of the park, it usually is awkward. The second date you hope is much better. In turn, if the second date goes well you need to go on a third to make sure the second wasn’t some strange fluke.

 There is no shortcut to the first date. It is a necessary evil. However, I would venture to say eventually one of those first dates with the “right” person would be worth all the bad ones.

Mama Bear is Out of Hibernation!

Yyyyyaaaawwwwnnnnn!  Well I had a nice rest over these past long, unbearable, freezing cold Winter months and mama bear is ready to play.  It was a nice break from the dating scene while I concentrated on school work and focused my attention towards eventually seeing warm weather again.  However, I knew that it would have to come to an end and that I would need to get back on my feet and continue the search.  All of this searching is exhausting though and I wish that I could be a boring married couple already.  Then it would be perfectly fine for me to sit in on a Friday night and do absolutely nothing.  But my life is not there yet, I was dealt a different path and was put on this earth for a different reason, not the one that I was hoping for….to have 5 children.  How am I supposed to have 5 children now?  I’ll be lucky if I have even one.  Enough complaining, I’m sure everyone is anxious to hear what stage in the dating world I am today.  Well don’t hold your breath.  Coming out of hibernation is going to take some time.  I had one online prospect who I was starting to get excited about.  We started going through the beginning “stages” of communication until we got to the email part.  We finally get to delve into a conversation and get to know more about one another, and all of a sudden I don’t hear from him.  It seems almost like a game at this point.  That every instance is going to be the same and I can just call right from the get go.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP HOPE, I WILL NOT GIVE UP HOPE!

Via Text

“He asked me out,” she said, “via text.” The text message the modern way to speak to one another or the lazy way for men or woman to obviate their role in any way shape or form of courting. I understand the text message – its simple – its fast – you actually do not have to take time out of whatever it is you are doing to actually connect with a person. It’s annoying in the dating scene especially in the early stages. What happened to actually using the phone to call someone? I am a firm believer that an actual conversation (on the phone using your voice) versus a text message conversation is the only way to go when you are starting to date someone. Of course, that expectation is completely absurd today. However, if you are truly serious about trying to get to know someone and actually build a relationship with that person, you can’t only communicate via text. This “rule” (I guess) is applicable to both ladies and gentlemen. If you are texting whole conversations – paragraphs upon paragraphs – without ever talking on the phone occasionally –then you are not communicating and giving your full attention to this person that you “theoretically” may want to be with for forever or something along those lines.

Only texting is lazy. Yes, I said it. Lazy. Pick up the phone, pick up the phone. The phone believe it or not is far superior to the text message. You can actually gage someone’s tone and expression. You can familiarize yourself with a person’s laugh and sense humor – quicker and more efficiently. Also, you are more likely to be able to gage if you actually are into someone.

A phone conversation demonstrates to your potential lovemate that you are not so busy to devote your full attention to that person. There is no prerequisite that the telephone conversations need to be epic marathons. Fifteen or twenty minutes is just fine. I know that calling someone on the phone is hard. I personally hate the phone. I am not the biggest fan of phone conversations in general – however – there are times when it is the best way to communicate and get your point across. Do not be afraid to talk and not just text.

 

 

Baby, it’s cold outside!

(*Note to reader, the following blog entry was meant to be posted in January. I apologize for the delay*)

Unless you have retreated to a vacation destination or live on a small tropical island near the equator, mother nature has decided to put most of this country on ice this winter. The temperatures have been hovering well below zero and as a result layering up is a must. Kate, like most of us, is seeking shelter from the freezing temperatures, endless snowstorms, and has (much to my dismay) been in hibernation this winter. I can’t say that I completely blame her. It is difficult enough to venture out to do the bare necessities of life these days like work, school, and grocery shopping. The idea of layering up (sweater, boots, hats, gloves and more) to go on yet another date with a stranger seems like down right insanity. I must admit that I have been in no mood to venture out of the house once I’ve made it home. It is no surprise at all that Kate’s feelings about the weather are mutual. At some point, spring will come and hopefully bear cub Kate will come out of hibernation.

 

It’s Not Rocket Science. It’s Chemistry!

Despite Kate’s best efforts to feel that “thing”, those butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding, I cannot wait to see you, get a text from you, a phone call from you, that spark that can happen between two people that connect – i.e. Chemistry –it is not mixing well.  There just does not seem to be the right amount of chemistry between Kate and her dates. Guy P is just not working out. It’s unfortunate because Kate cannot really pinpoint or identify anything particularly bad about Guy P.  Guy P is good on paper and presents well in person, however, despite there more than a handful of encounters…ZIP.

Where is the chemistry?!  Now, ladies we all know what we think we like in a man, but the reality is if there is no chemistry even the most ideal man will not measure up.  If it were an exact science, sites like online dating and profiles would be easy to navigate.  Sometimes I think it’s amazing anyone finds each other.  However, the greatest experiments take time to perfect.

To be fair, in the interest of disclosure, Kate was crushing on a boy she met in the real world while dating Guy P. This may or may not have had an affect on her interest on her dates with Guy P.  With that being said, I really was hoping that the real world guy was it. He displayed a genuine interest in her life and they had consistent communication about personal and professional topics. Unfortunately, to Kate (and my) horror – he has a gf. Very disappointing! All the signals and dare I say – chemistry – was there.

As we near the end of the year, we will be heading back to the drawing board.

Kate, we will march forward and continue to find you the right date!

The Search Continues (Katie Kate)

Since my first date with “P” in October, we have been on three, yes THREE, dates!  It sounds more exciting than it really is.  I’ll briefly explain each one because there is not much detail to get into.  The second date was a casual evening enjoying dinner on the river and while the scenery was nice, it was about 50 degrees outside.  We continued the night by strolling down main street of a quaint little town and stopping in some of the shops.  The final stop was a Starbucks where we sat some more while sipping on coffee.  “P” walked me to my car afterwards and although it was only the second date, I still initiated a hug goodbye, no kiss yet.

I guess the second date went ok because we decided to meet again.  This time, I tried to think of something other than dinner and drinks, so suggested the movies.  While I would have loved a romantic love story or comedy like “Best Man Holiday”, “P” offered that we see “Captain Phillips”.  Let me just tell you, that is a pretty intense movie for a third date.  Is it ok to cry?, Do you hold hands through the shooting scenes?  Should I have curled up in his arms as the pirates took over the ship?  NO!  I sat there feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, it was that intense.  Needless to say, we didn’t do much talking that night and I drove nearly an hour to sit in a movie theater, but it was the least I could do since he did the same on the other two dates.

Now comes the fourth date, you would think so far success, right?  “P” asked if I had anything in mind for our next encounter, but I gave him the chance to come up with an idea this time.  He then asked if I have even been ice skating.  Yah, about twenty years ago…this should be interesting.  Well I give in and end up meeting him at the ice skating rink, after all, it is a cute idea for a guy to think of.  I was a little nervous to hit the ice, but after we got going, I think I did better than he did.  As we were skating in circles trying not to fall, I couldn’t help but watch all of the teenage couples holding hands, laughing, while we barely made conversation.  At this point I realize, I need someone who is a little more aggressive, more talkative, etc., because I too am shy at first and reserved, so need that balance to pull my inner goddess out of me.  I’m slowly starting to reduce the amount of communication, which of course is only limited to text.  Another point to add, I paid for 2 out of the 4 dates.

On another note, I found out last week that the hottie who I sit next to in class and have a crush on, has a girlfriend.  I really want to give all of you the fairy tale ending story, but so far I’m 0 for 5.

Another Date in the Life of Kate…

Let’s see, where did I leave off?  I’m sure you’re sitting around wondering what adventurous, exciting dating life does Kate have now.  Well let me make you wait no longer.  I gave shorty a second chance because I thought he deserved another date before completely blowing him off.  Once again, I didn’t wear heels.  I must say, it was a delightful evening, something I would have loved to experience with a guy who I am really into.  We started with an early dinner and when finished, he asked if I would like to continue the night by getting some coffee, so sweet!  But I couldn’t help to feel awkward as we stood anxiously waiting in the line at Starbucks; just kept telling myself, he’s not that short, he’s not that short.  This is where the tall girl dilemma comes into play.  It’s a shame to lose a man, continue the search, all because you were born with long limbs and apparently no guys were.  Or so it seems. 

So while I do not have the nerve yet to tell shorty it’s not going to work out, I proceeded to FINALLY go out with my last online prospect.  From the pictures he looks normal and pretty cute as a matter of fact, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up because we all know that I was fooled by pictures before.  Our conversations on the phone went well and I figured I didn’t have anything to lose.  We met for dinner and he let me know that he was sitting at a table behind the bar.  When I showed up I slowly walked around looking at every man sitting down until I realized which one was him.  I always love the moment when you first introduce yourselves and every other table stares at you like they’ve never been on a first date.  The date takes off and I actually had a good time.  First impressions were good and of course he does not have as much hair as in the pictures, but I keep reminding myself that I cannot be too picky, those days need to be over!  Then I find out he is an only child and again I think this is a deal breaker for someone like me who always dreamt of having a large family to join my own, but again I have to snap out of it and realize that is the worst excuse for not giving someone a chance.  Needless to say I would agree to go on another date with him.  He asked if I would like to get together when I get back from Vegas…I said yes, unless of course I get hitched to an Elvis impersonator in a chapel.

Gone Fishin’

Kate, fully equipped with her yellow wellies, hat, and fishing line has cast her pole into the river. She has been patient – which is not easy – but she has caught some fish! It still remains to be seen, if the fish she has “caught” need to be thrown back.  Some fish, as handsome, funny, or interesting they may be are just not the right fish to take home for dinner.  To date, my amazing friend, Kate, has dated baldy, shorty, and now GUY X.2.   Kate having cast a wide net in the dating pool, has also taken interest in a friend-of-a-friend situation – although most of the conversations have been through text.  She doesn’t even know what he looks like. However, it will be interesting if they keep on chatting and if and when they finally meet – sparks could fly?! Wouldn’t that be nice?  Trying to attract as many fish as possible with her “bait”, Kate has also been exercising her flirting muscles not only in the virtual world of the online arena but in the real world too.  There is a cute fish that Kate has slowly luring into her net! Hopefully, that fish will take the bait!  Fisherwoman Kate (hopefully) will be able to come ashore soon.

I’m Back (It’s Me Kate)

So it’s hard to keep up with letting the world know about your dating life in between work and school.  But it is time to catch up and give a little insight to date #2 with baldy.  I figured he was worth giving another shot, until the date started.  The more and more he started talking the more and more I realized I couldn’t get over his nasally voice.  I know I’m not perfect, so I try and be open to giving these guys the benefit of the doubt, but that wouldn’t last with me.  It sounded as if he may not be interested in women, if you get my drift. 

So we order dinner and drinks and he proceeds to ask me if I am a beer drinker because I happened to order a beer that night.  I replied that I do not stick with one type of drink and that I had a gin and tonic on our last night.  At which he said, “oh that’s right, I may have judged you on that because you didn’t specify what type of gin you preferred.”  I was counting the minutes to get out of there at that point.  The bus boy got him back for that comment though as he bumped into the table and spilled my date’s drink all over him so it looked like he wet his pants.  I did have a little pity for him, needless to say I did not go out on another date with him.

Now I’m moving on to shorty.  Shorty is very nice and probably the most normal guy I met from online yet.  I have to keep asking myself, do I just settle and not wear heels ever when around him? or do I keep searching for Mr. Right, because who doesn’t want to wear heels?

It’s NOT you it’s ME

So Kate and baldy didn’t hit it off. She had to break it off. Here in lies another fundamental difference between many men and women – the fact that many women actually feel badly about rejecting a person.  Typically, if a guy you went on a date with (even if it was the most amazing date ever) did not want to see you anymore he would either (1) not talk to you again; or (2) Ignore you.  Kate, on the other hand, considered baldy’s feelings before – and she stressed (if only a little) on what exactly to say – before giving him the ax.  At least Kate had the courtesy and respect for him to say “It’s not you, it’s me..”  There can be no ambiguity for baldy. He is free to move on to someone else.  No one likes rejection whether you are giving or receiving it – but it takes a real woman (and real man for that matter)– to politely let someone down. Thank you Kate for doing the right thing by showing respect to baldy so he can move on.